Come on, you know the techniques that indicate your life, temporarily, is a hot mess…that good-enough shave only up to the knee. That mystery patch left untouched on the back of the calf. And in this hot mess scenario, you look down, and think…”Fuck, I just wasted 10 minutes. Fuck it. I’ll clean it up next time.”
Please tell me I’m not the only woman who uses her legs as the litmus test for time, and sanity. Come on…how many of us have looked down and done the mental math…”hmmm, probably about a week or so?” “Yeah, I was going to that morning, but we were running late, and he was sick, and they were coming over, and…” Let’s face it, it takes a good 10 minutes in the shower, and quite frankly, there are some days that kick my ass 6 ways to Sunday. And the last thing I feel like doing, or that seems important to do, is shaving the legs. This past week has been no exception.
I’m at a loss for how many times someone has been sick in this house since Christmas. And all the while, all the cleaning, and tending, and laundry falls on my shoulders. And no where in the mountain of mess has there been significant time for me to dutifully and diligently shave my legs. Fuck. Every time I try, someone is puking, or feverish, or some other shit is going down.
And the worst is when you rush that shit…cuts on the ankles that bleed, ridiculously, for 20 minutes it seems once you step out of the shower. The old razor skimming over the knees like a knife, leaving trails of cuts like a connect the dots picture. The mystery strip of fuzz down the shin. The patch left untouched, forgotten, on the back of the calf. That good-enough shave only up to the knee. That I’ve-got-pants-on shave only up to mid-calf. And when all of this happens, you look down, and think…”Fuck, I just wasted 10 minutes. Fuck it. I’ll clean it up next time.” That’s how you know you don’t have a single moment, and you life is quite simply one hot mess. And you’ve got the legs to prove it.
Why is it that shaving your legs properly makes you feel like you finally have your shit together? For me, it’s hand in hand with the eyebrows. You can always tell how frazzled women are by the state of her brows. Well shaped and manicured. She’s had time. Wispy strays in weird places that you can see without being too close? She’s tapped out!
Seriously. My legs are totally my litmus. Warm weather. Smooth legs. Everyone is healthy. Smooth legs. Kids are gone. Smooth legs. Thursday onward. Smooth legs. Fuzzy gams? Shit is fucked up in here.
I’ve got big plans for tomorrow. I have a fresh razor, and no one is sick…